


relationship advice

by funnylookinfella



Category: Gotham (TV), Suicide Squad (2016)
Genre: Crossover, Gen, M/M, just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 22:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8551624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funnylookinfella/pseuds/funnylookinfella
Summary: oswald travels to belle reve prison to get some relationship advice from the most knowledgable gal he knows.





	

**Author's Note:**

> a one-hundred percent crack crossover written just for fun. i'm aware the timelines of suicide squad and gotham don't line up at all whatsoever.

“Mr. Cobblepot. Please, come this way,” the security guard was saying, guiding Oswald politely through each step of the security process. He stopped and let the guard take his cane as he spread his arms out and got scanned with the burly man’s vaguely beeping wand. 

“Penguin, please,” Oswald said before he could stop himself. It was a knee-jerk reaction to anyone calling him by his real name, even here in Terrebonne Parish where no one knew anything about him but his title as mayor of Gotham. But here at Belle Reve, going by his darker moniker seemed appropriate, especially since he was still being treated like a criminal going through security, mayor or not.

“Mr. Penguin, then,” the guard corrected, looking slightly uncomfortable with the use of the name but not having the balls to deny the request. “Who are you here to see today?” 

“Well, as reigning king of Gotham, I thought I’d stop by to check up on the old queen,” Oswald told him as the man handed him back his cane and shoes. While he put himself back together, shoes on, blazer buttoned, tie straightened, the guard got on his radio and called in some reinforcements. 

“Quinzel's got a visitor,” he said. “I’m gonna need some more bodies down here.” 

A total of four security guards escorted Oswald down the prison’s dark and damp hallway toward a pair of double doors with small windows inset in them. Through those small inserts, Oswald could see a lithe form hanging from the upper bars of a cell… no, he thought, cell wasn’t the right word. It was a cage, through and through, metal bars all around and set in the middle of an even larger, plexiglass enclosure to make sure its inhabitant would have to break out twice if she were to go free. 

When the guards opened the double doors for Oswald to enter, the woman hanging from the top of her cage turned her head, blonde waves bouncing, and Harley Quinn gracefully hopped down to the floor.

“Ozzie!” She all but skipped over to the edge of the metal inner cage, wrapping her fingers around the bars and propping her feet up to hang off of them as two of the guards opened the plexiglass chamber and let Oswald in to stand in front of the metal cage. “Did a little birdy come to tell me somethin’?” 

“Something like that.” Oswald gave her a polite smile. Harley was surprisingly easy to talk to, as long as her conversational partner knew how to direct her attention. 

“An even littler birdy told me you got sent to the nuthouse,” Harley said gleefully, letting go of the bars and flattening her feet on the ground again as Oswald pulled up a plastic chair and sat down on the outside of the bars. “How’d you bust out?” 

“I didn’t,” Oswald told her. “I was released. With a certificate of sanity, as a matter of fact.” 

“Fancy that.” Harley went to the very edge of the cage and sat cross-legged on the floor. “That’s farther than I got with ‘em, I’ll tell ya that.” She scooted forward a little, letting Oswald have a better look at her. Her hair was loose, the pink and blue tips of it faded and dull, and he would have given anything to have been able to run a comb through the poor woman’s hair. Her face was free of makeup, the only markings on it being the tattoos she and the Joker had given themselves and each other over the years, but somehow she managed to keep a smile on her face as she regarded him, probably thinking similarly judgmental things about his own appearance. 

“So how’s life?” she asked. “You never come visit unless you got somethin’ to complain about.” 

“It’s been better, I’ll admit,” he said. “I’m mayor of Gotham.” 

“Mayor!?” She grabbed onto her feet and excitedly rocked forward and back. “That sounds important. How’d you get that gig?” 

“It’s a bit of a long story.” She’d believe anything about swindling, underhandedness and cheating, but not that he’d been legitimately elected. For now, he thought, she could believe what she wanted. “That isn’t what I wanted to talk about.” 

“Need some advice from Auntie Harley?” she teased. 

“Despite the fact that I’m older than you, yes,” he admitted. 

“Well, whatcha need?” Harley wound a strand of hair around her fingers as she looked through the bars at Oswald. “Need some good old crime advice? The sex talk? I mean, I could try. Fashion? I’ll tell you right away, purple and green together make ya look like Mardi Gras.” 

“Actually, it’s... about a guy.” 

This got her attention. She sat up straighter, hands propped up on her knees. “Oh, why didn’t ya say so?” Her face cracked into a grin. “Did little Ozzie finally lose the old v-card?” 

“What? No. I mean, yes, that is... no. But that isn’t what this is about!” 

“Alright, alright, I’m all ears.” She poked both index fingers against her earlobes. “No more interruptions. Promise.” 

Oswald heaved a sigh. “My... well, he was my campaign manager. That’s how it started. Now he’s my dearest friend. I can’t remember trusting anyone so completely in my life, other than my... my mother.” He pressed his lips together. Harley and Gertrude had never met, but Harley was the type of energetic, feminine little fireball that his mother would have loved. “But we’ve been getting closer lately. We have dinner together nearly every night. Or, we did, up until recently. We live together in my father’s old home. He knows everything about me, everything that’s inside my mind...” 

“So what’s the problem?” She tilted her head to the side, frowning. 

“...He loves someone else.” 

“Oh, well, you gotta kill the bitch.” She waved a hand dismissively. “Problem solved. Get her out of the picture, he’ll come right to ya for a shoulder to cry on. Trust me on this, sweetheart.” 

“I’m afraid it isn’t that simple.” Oswald paused, gnawing on his lower lip. “She looks exactly like a former lover of his. That’s the only reason he fell for her in the first place. Because she looked like her.” 

Harley gave him an expectant look. “So? Take a switchblade to her ugly mug till she looks like someone else! Next question!” 

“If he finds out I killed or hurt her, he’ll never forgive me!” Oswald protested. “It’ll be over for me. There has to be some other way around this. I thought if anyone knew, it would be you.” 

She seemed to be taken aback by the compliment, raising her eyebrows and giving a little nod of approval. “You came to the right gal, Ozzie. Now, why don’tcha tell me why they broke up in the first place, him and this other broad?” 

Oswald glanced behind him at the guards, then turned back to Harley. “He killed her. It was an accident. But she’s dead.” 

Harley’s brow knit in confusion. “Dead? You sure this chick isn’t actually his ex and he just didn’t get the job done?” 

“I’m sure. There was a body. He was arrested. He did time in Arkham for it. He was released after I was. We were never in there together.” 

“Oh, but how romantic would that be?” she gushed. “Like Romeo and Juliet, but, y’know, crazy. And gay.” 

“See, that’s another problem. I don’t even know if he’s attracted to men!” Oswald ran a hand over his face. “There are times I feel as if we’re... having moments, but that could be friendship, for all I know. I’m not particularly knowledgable on the subject.” 

Harley pursed her lips, puckering them as she thought it over. “...What’s the last thing you had for dinner together? Like, what kinda food?” 

“What?” Oswald blinked. 

“You said you eat dinner together, like, every night. Or you used to, I’m guessing, before this new bitch came into the picture. What was on the menu last?” 

Oswald looked down at the lower metal bars of Harley’s cage in thought. “...It was Italian. Truffled lobster risotto.”

“Wine?” she asked. 

“A Bordeaux vintage.” 

“Were there candles?” 

“Well, yes.” 

“On the table? In between you?” 

“...Yes.” By now, Oswald knew where the conversation was going.

“Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie.” Harley ran both hands through her hair, shaking her head. “That was a fucking date! Two dude friends don’t sit and have a candle-lit Italian dinner with fancy-ass wine just because! That’s the gayest shit I’ve ever heard!” 

As it turned out, Oswald did not, in fact, know where the conversation had been going. “Oh.” 

“Yeah. So if this dude, whoever the fuck he is, is dumping you for this side-chick, he was leading you on, and you need to deck him right in the face.” She paused, considering something. “Either that or this chick is leading HIM on. Fucking with him somehow. You said she looks exactly like this dead ex girlfriend, yeah? Like, HOW exactly?” 

“Dead-on.” Oswald gave her an exasperated look as she giggled. “No pun intended, as I think you well know.” 

“Alright, alright. Something could definitely be going on there. Now, my advice is this. You’re the mayor. You can do whatever the hell you want in that sad little city. So read up on this bitch. Find out everything there is to know about her. Maybe follow her around a little bit.” She shrugged. “I’m tellin’ ya, something’s gonna come up. Chicks like her, they got secrets. All you gotta do is find a good one, let your honey know, and bam! You’re in his good graces again. And that’s when things get REAL interesting.” 

Oswald stared at her, silently demanding an explanation. Harley leaned forward, so far forward that when she spoke, her lips brushed against the metal of the bars. She whispered: 

“When you make him hate her, you kill her together.” 

Oswald felt his eyes widen in realization, imagining it. Harley drew back, a wicked grin spreading across her face. 

“Make it a real bonding moment,” she added, her voice still barely above a whisper. “Then you’ll know. He’s yours. For good.” 

Staring through the bars at her, Oswald felt himself start to smile. Harley smiled back, reaching through the bars and taking both of his hands in hers.

“You do what you gotta do, baby,” she told him. “Then you come back here and tell me all about it.” When he stood, he stepped in close and leaned up against the cage to let her give him a kiss on the cheek. 

“Thank you, Harley.” He smiled, genuinely. “Believe me, if I had any sway here, I’d be finding a way to get you out of this miserable place.” 

“I know,” she said with a bright smirk. “But what can ya do? Just keep me informed, gives me somethin’ to think about around here besides how awful the food is.” 

“I can certainly do that.” Oswald reached over and gave her hand a final, affectionate squeeze before letting the guards lead him back out of the plexiglass chamber. Harley clung to the bars of her cage, watching him go. 

“Now, when you do it, make sure to do it good!” she yelled after him. “Kill her dead, Penguin! Kill her dead!” 

“I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume you have no intention of doing anything she suggested,” the guard said as he escorted Oswald back out to his waiting car. “Miss Quinzel has the habit of being overzealous with her visitors, when she gets them.” 

“Of course,” Oswald said, smiling good-naturedly. “I have no intention of committing any homicide in the near future.” He gave the guard a nod as he slipped into the car, leaning his cane up against the adjacent seat and watching Belle Reve get smaller and smaller as his driver took him away, back toward the airport. 

“Which is why,” he muttered, taking his phone from his pocket and dialing a number, “I’m not going to be the one to do it.” He pressed the phone to his ear, listening to it ring. “Yes, Gabe? I have a job for you...”


End file.
